Fear
The celebration of Halloween brings my thoughts to a subject that is of ultimate importance, and not trivial, for our well being and success: fear. We all have fears and it is a common feeling, wanting it or not, and more often than we want, our choices in life, and our daily habits, are driven by fear. Many times we are not aware that there is this undercurrent of fear behind our motives in life. Do we want to live our lives based on fear? Are you aware of what is behind your motive in life?
Fear is not a bad feeling; it gives us awareness of danger and protects us from harm. To be able to differentiate if our fears are based on reality, real present dangers, or trauma experiences, ghosts from the past, is a skill that requires practice.
We usually experience fear when we think of past experiences or future possibilities. These habits of past/future thinking restrict our lives and block us from being courageous and achieve fulfillment and happiness. It is not easy practice to think and live at the present moment, but the more we practice the more we get better at it. Our brains tend to react to fear by going into freeze or panic mode. This state of freeze or panic is not conducive to advancement, s
uccess and happiness.
If we keep experiencing that fear is the undercurrent behind our choices and habits in life, then this is a signal we need to start dealing with it. The tricky business is that often we are not even aware we are feeling fears, it can be masked by other feelings such as anxiety and tension. The more we work on self-awareness, the better we will have a deeper understanding and clarity of our daily choices.
Finding a safe environment and someone you trust, and reserving time to explore yourself, are a good beginning to understand your choices and your fears. To feel your fears in safety, experience and process them, is fundamental for our life and career advancement.
Here are some suggestions on how to begin to approach fear:
- Slow down and reserve some time for increasing self-awareness.
- Take a good inventory of your fears, without judgment, by asking questions such as: Am I aware of my fears? When are my fears happening?
- Take a good look at your daily actions and choices by asking yourself: Are my actions and choices based on fears?
- Try to bring awareness of how frequently you experience fears, and what triggers them.
- Ask yourself: “How do I feel and react when I am experiencing fear?”
By reserving this time for self-reflection we will be bringing ourselves to the present moment, and we will be practicing fearlessness. False courage by trying to be though and not embracing our fears and vulnerabilities is not a wise form of fearlessness. To be fearless is to embrace and confront our own fears.
I hope you will have a fear embracing Halloween!
[box] If you need someone that would hold, with safety, an environment for you to practice fearlessness, please contact Dal: www.holtropcoaching.com [/box]
Self-Esteem and personal power
When we think of successful people, we do not associate them with low-self esteem. Self-esteem has to do with self: how we think of ourselves, what are our opinions of ourselves, how do we perceive ourselves. Many people with successful careers, if questioned further about what they think of themselves, might answer that they have a low self-image.
Many of us have minimum self-appreciation, enough to do good work and have accomplishments, but not sufficient to live to our fullest potential. Unfortunately most of us would be embarrassed to say out loud how we actually describe ourselves internally.
For most of us, when we check in with ourselves, we realize that our internal stories about our self-perceptions are limiting. We have a tendency to have many self-labels, and these labels can sometimes be useful, but they are not always helpful. Many of the ideas about ourselves were acquired while growing up. We incorporate our labels from our family of origin, our culture, gender, social class, religion… All these aspects impacts how we view ourselves.
These self-labels can feel constraining or comforting, but regardless, they keep us from experiencing the vastness of our possibilities in life. A certain amount of self-doubt is normal, and even healthy, but not if it is restraining us from achieving our full potential. When we are not aware of the labels and self-conceptions we have created over the years, we live under the influence of these perceptions. Wouldn’t it be so liberating, if from time to time we would permit ourselves to encounter the infinite of possibilities? Thinking and permitting ourselves to go beyond labels can assist our dreams and expand our potential. We may discover a new excitement in being alive!
Let us reflect, so we can gather more information about our labels. Taking some time to think how people in our world see us and think how we see ourselves can be essential information for transformation.
Here are some questions to start:
- What are the words/labels we use to describe ourselves?
- Would it feel liberating if we think of these labels as being temporary?
- Can we discard some of these labels for a day or so? How would it feel?
Becoming aware of how we perceive and describe ourselves can empower us to make conscious choices for how we want to live our lives.
These concepts of reflection, self-assessment and mapping, can also be transported to the organizational sphere. How many institutions could use a good non-biased view, to identify areas that are restraining full success and effectiveness? An organization cannot change if areas of needs are not identified first. We can’t change if we don’t know what to change! A good consultant can provide assessment of people, relationships and dynamics, much needed for further development of the institution.
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Do you want to go further and deeper into knowledge of self and your organization, and discover what is limiting the possibilities of success and effectiveness? Contact Dal at Holtrop Coaching[/box]
Good Listening and Communication Skills
Regardless of culture, gender, age, profession…everybody seeks to be understood from his or her point of view. When we share our thoughts and feelings we don’t want logic, advice, reasons, or judgment. We also don’t want to be ignored, denied, or taken lightly. When we share thoughts and feelings, it is because we are looking for an understanding.
Normally, when we just get intellectual listening, we do not feel satisfied. What we crave is an understanding that comes from the heart with warmth and care. Listening is the partner skill to expressing. If we have difficulties listening we probably also have difficulties expressing.
We have been taught that having “negative” feelings is not a good thing; we should not have it. We have difficulties in sharing our thoughts and feelings, especially when we have different, strong emotions and thoughts from our peers.
In general, we have been trained that thoughts attached with strong emotions are not appropriate to share. We mistakenly think that we are less worthy, or less mature, if we have such feelings. But reality is, relationships are part of life, and conflicts are part of relationships, whether these relationships are of work, marriage, or friendship.
In the workplace it is not uncommon to experience a repression of strong feelings, which can lead to a blowup. Conflicts bring up strong feelings and thoughts, and if we don’t learn how to express such feelings, they will not go away, but actually grow. In any relationship where strong feelings and thoughts are repressed, or treated with disrespect, ultimately understanding is not achieved, therefore good listening and communication is not happening.
Studies have shown that behavior modification just doesn’t happen with a few easy steps, but is more part of a process. Communication and listening skills are part of a process of internal growth. When we want to have any internal or external modification, the more efficient way to establish the changes we want is to start by having an honest assessment. Let us start by paying attention and listening to our own selves and our environment. When do we react? When do we not listen? When do we feel not listened to? Do we have a tendency to judge others or ourselves? Do we deny our own thoughts and feelings? When is it that I react strongly? When we know well what we are doing and understand why, the steps of practicing new skills becomes more meaningful and effective.
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Would you like to work on your listening and communication skills?
Contact Dal: Holtrop Coaching
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Meetings and Time
How do we relate to time? Time is one of these topics that concerns everything we do, yet it is so subjective and complex that there is no right or wrong way, just different ways of viewing the subject. I notice how, depending on culture, we can approach time differently. Besides the cultural differences, I also notice that in meetings something more happens to people regarding time.
Why is it that with some people we feel time stretches and we accomplish a lot, while with others we feel tense and everything is rushed?
If we are always feeling rushed and with not enough time, most likely we will carry this feeling to whatever we do, being in a meeting or even in a friendship dinner. If in our mind there is no time for quiet and relaxation, then we will feel that in our activities there is not enough time to do and be.
On the other hand, if we feel in general that life provides time, and we are relaxed, then there is time and space in our mind for quiet. There is time for exploration, time is not constricted and limited, and we carry this expansion into our work and lives.
What makes this difference in our approach of time has to do with an internal sense of how we feel about ourselves. If we struggle with insecurities, anxieties, relationships, money… time would be perceived as pressing. We don’t even realize that this perception interferes with our ability to be present and enjoy whatever and whomever we are with. If we are more certain and things are working for us, then we perceive time with more spaciousness, more presence, and expansion is available to us. Somehow our sense of time has a connection with our sense of inner well-being. How that is possible is puzzling, isn’t it?
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Would you like to work on your inner time?
Contact Dal: Holtrop Coaching
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Purposes to Success
We have been fostering a culture where we are expected to have high energy, power and strength at all times. Successful people are considered the ones that achieve these requirements. What we forget is that there are costs to this expectation. These costs can come from different sources, from our own health, from our family, from lack of sleep, from our constant worry and lack of internal peace…These costs are not healthy nor humanely geared, but real. Why, as a culture, do we still extract immense costs from individuals, families and society in order to succeed?
We need to achieve a level of human development where we work towards fostering more creativity with purposes to achieve power, strength and high energy, without unhealthy costs. The first step towards a change is usually awareness and a life-long spirit of inquiry. Let us take a good look at our lives and ask ourselves what are our purposes and values.
Redefine Success
According to the dictionary success means “accomplishment of an aim or purpose”. We need to first redefine what it is to be successful in our lives. The more clarity we achieve, the better chances we have to be successful. With this definition in mind, if our life in practice does not align with how we fundamentally want our life and society to unfold, how successful are we?
To be a good leader of our own life, or a group, or a company, it is required that we have courage and commitment to achieve individual and social purposes with responsibility. To a great extend it is in our hands to make our life a successful one. With inquiry of our own experiences we can achieve a deeper understanding of our own world and purposes, and therefore make healthier and responsible choices. By remembering to pace ourselves and to set small and realistic, meaningful and achievable goals we have greater chances to achieve fulfillment and personal success. When we align our efforts with our own common purposes, energy, power and strength come naturally!
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Want to foster success and need assistance?
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Authenticity
Authenticity
We are inundated with outside pressures to conform to certain values that are not necessarily our own: be a certain kind of professional, adopt some lifestyle, dress this way, go to these places, etc. Sometimes it seems easier to ignore crucial aspects of our own lives and just keep living according to what is expected from us, put on the automatic pilot and move forward. But how long can we ignore the nagging voice inside of us, calling for more authenticity?
The ways we have been pressured to live leaves us with barely enough time and energy to tend to our own inner self. So much emphasis is on the doing, that we sometimes get tricked about being. With so much doing and so much to conform to, it is a struggle to find moments of reflection and introspection. Can we really achieve authenticity if we do not understand ourselves? For us to have a better understanding of who we are we need to look at causes and conditions that impact us in everyday life. We also need to develop a non-judgmental attitude towards ourselves, so we can move forward to a more compassionate and balanced living.
To be authentic is more being in a journey than to have gained or accomplished something. We have a tendency to believe that certain values, virtues, or state of mind simply exists, and we have it or not. This is a simplistic and rather narrow view of our human experience. To become more connected to others and ourselves, and to savor more of our lives, we need to be in this complex journey of trying to create balance and well being within our everyday activities. Perhaps we need to notice more how it feels when we are being authentic by deeply observing our thoughts and feelings, and being in touch with our body’s messages. With this self-observation we can create a map of positive routes that we can refer to when it is needed.
For us to be authentic, we need to be in a process of understanding who we are in this world of confusion and doubt. We can search for a more balanced lifestyle, understanding the forces within and outside us, which condition our actions. To be authentic is to be not fearful of searching for more conscious awareness, and practice surrender to the mystery of life.
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Want to be more authentic and need assistance?
Contact Dal: Holtrop Coaching or Adalgisa Holtrop Therapy
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March
In New England, we still have so much snow covering the ground and such cold temperatures that the idea of Spring seems far off. But Spring is more than warmer temperatures and flowers. Spring is a shift of the axis of the Earth, getting us closer to the Sun. We usually forget that this shift is happening.
Our internal shifts happen in similar ways; it is a slow process. At first we just feel it, but don’t see many outside signs, however as we continue to work, the results become more visible. If we want to invite changes in our life, we have to go to our core, our axis, and work from there with patience and persistence.
The name “March” comes from “Mars”, the roman God of war. His month Martius was the beginning of the season for both farming and warfare. Interesting enough, both areas invite change and transformation.
In terms of our internal farming, what do we want to plant for the future of our lives? March can be an internal shift, starting with thinking of our dreams and hopes for the future. Like farmers we should know that the weather always changes, nothing will stay difficult forever. Like farmers let us keep our hopes and dreams high, and tend the soil and spread the seeds, with the hope for a big harvest.
By paying attention to such combinations of soil and what to seed, we can learn to avoid disappointments of harvest. Studying our grounds (ourselves) and knowing what to plant (our gifts in life) is a big part of a successful harvest.
As for warfare, I would refer to gathering the courage to confront a situation with determination. Even with fear, we go ahead and confront the difficult situation. We think that to have courage is to have no fear, but to be brave is actually to know and be intimate with your fear. Courage is to believe that you are worthy, and that in baby steps, even with fear, you can reach your dreams and hopes.
If we invoke the hope, patience and persistence of a farmer and the courage of a warrior we will harvest our dreams!
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Do you want to work on your internal shift?
Contact Dal: Holtrop Coaching or Adalgisa Holtrop Therapy
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Appreciation
Appreciation: the recognition of good qualities of someone or something. I find when we reflect on someone’s good traits, we learn to take in these qualities. By observing what we like in others we can start fostering those qualities in ourselves. Who are the people we appreciate and why is it so?
People very unlike one another often find that along with their differences exist shared threads of common experiences. One of these universal experiences is that we all like being appreciated. With that in mind, no matter where we live, or where we work, or with whom we relate, let us remember to appreciate each other, because this is one of our common bonds. Let us not forget to appreciate ourselves! Doing so, we are giving positive signals of recognition, acceptance and inspiration.
Appreciation can inspire us to try our best. When someone does something we find worth noticing, give positive feedback. When we feel noticed by others in a positive way, we feel inspired to continue our work, doing good deeds and positively impacting others. When we feel appreciated we usually go the extra mile!
We have a natural inclination to appreciate people and traits that are nice. That is good, and we need to continue recognizing this. Ironically though, the people and traits that challenge us are the ones that make us grow the most. These people and traits can be the catalysts for our own self-awareness and growth transformation. Who are they in your life?
Finding the answers to these questions can give us more clarity about our values and who we are. The more we know about ourselves, the more comfortable we get with who we are, gaining more clarity where our efforts need to concentrate in order to advance. The more comfortable we are with ourselves and the more advances we make, the happier we live.
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Want to learn more self appreciation?
Contact Dal: Holtrop Coaching or Adalgisa Holtrop Therapy
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Setting Course
Erich Fromm, psychologist, said: “Vitality itself is the result of vision. If there is no longer a vision of something great, beautiful, or important, then our vitality and stamina diminish.”
This quote shows us how important it is to have a clear goal in anything we do, so we feel alive and engaged. By having a clear goal we have made a conscious decision on the course to take.
When setting a goal, it is important to be very specific, down to details, not just general and vague ideas. With the specificities we can also make sure we set measurable and attainable goals, which can be accomplished in a timely manner. Lets take time to think through this process of setting goals. When we have realistic and meaningful goals, connected to who we are, framed with positive language, our chances to succeed are much higher. And let us remember to keep it simple, and keep ourselves out of the way. Let us not have our fears and preconceived, often false thoughts, get in our way to vitality, beauty, and fulfillment.
I wish you all much success for 2015!
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Want to set your course and need assistance?
Contact Dal: Holtrop Coaching or Adalgisa Holtrop Therapy
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